Greetings again in Jesus’ Name!

Many of you on this list are from Florida, so you have undoubtedly experienced the ordeals of Hurricanes Bonnie, Charlie, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne. We have friends whose ceilings have collapsed and those who’ve had to move out of their homes because their carpets filled with mold and mildew. We know of those who have lost all their possessions and their homes. We’ve seen huge trees laying on cars and roofs, electric poles leaning into the streets with drooping lines for miles, and homes with standing water up to the door knobs for a week. We’ve all seen cars lined up in gas lines that stretched into the streets as folks evacuated, seen for the first time shelves on grocery stores empty of canned goods, and driven over downed power lines in the streets. As for us, we suffered only downed limbs, but they were so many and so big that it has taken us many days to do the chain-sawing and clean-up. It has been a once-in-a-lifetime experience (we hope) that none of us who have been impacted will ever forget. We are thanking the Lord, too, for all the reports of safety.

As for me, I have very much enjoyed a Sabbath break this summer from ministry, speaking and writing. I apologize to all who sent in responses to the June newsletter about making idols out of good things, but never received a reply from me. I enter a sort of “Annual Sabbath-mode” each summer, where I take a break from outside-the-home ministry. I was supposed to put that reminder into the June newsletter, but forgot! I could have, really should have, dropped everyone a short note later to explain that, but each time I thought about it, I also thought, “Well, I may have a change of heart and want to write again tomorrow. Or the next day.” Alas, I was in much need of the break, and never got back to writing. Thus, I consoled myself with the knowledge that I post on the bottoms of most of my newsletters that they are written September to June each year. It was a wonderful needed summer break that the Lord blessed me with to prepare me for a very busy fall, indeed! Now, I look forward with joy to writing A “Mary” Heart again, though hurricanes have kept me from getting the September issue out on time! I have also temporarily lost all my beautiful HTML formatting, but I decided to send this "as is" instead of waiting any longer!

When I left off writing in June, the topic was about the human heart’s tendency of making idols out of good things. I’m still not caught up on writing as much as I’d like to, but am passing on a few posts that I hope will encourage you. First, here is a short recap from the June

newsletter:

Every single person who wants to grow and come to maturity in Christ Jesus will have to experience both the death to wrong desires (sin) as well as the death to good desires apart from the consuming desire of knowing and loving Jesus Christ (idols). Abraham had to die to his son when he was asked to offer him up. The Israelites had to die to the comforts of Egypt (as few as they had been) when it was time to leave. Paul had to die to his good reputation in order to follow Christ. We, too, have to die to everything we want, whether “good” or “bad” in order to know Christ and the power of His resurrection.

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

This has been a difficult lesson for me. When I walk in it, the truth of it purges my heart of everything except Christ alone, and I have joy and peace, and bear good fruit for Him. When I forget and turn back to serving good causes (idols if I’m not being led by the Lord), I stumble again.

This truth brings me to ways we allow good things to get a foothold to become idols in our hearts in the first place. I wrote last month about my dying to the idol of the comforts of Egypt, but this month I want to address dying to the idol of good fruit, or more specifically, the idol of the good fruit of raising Godly children.

Here are some responses to that newsletter, and one response I did manage to write:

Q: Hi Mardy, I do believe God uses you to "GET" to me. This “Mary” Heart touched my heart like no other. I have been fighting the teenage boy wars for so long now I'm exhausted. I can really identify with the mother's struggles to keep her son on the right path. However I've become so discouraged lately that not only have I said "I give up", but I've also said that GOD has forgotten me and has stopped listening to my pleas for help. I have landed in a black pit so dark and deep I have not been able to find a way out. When I voiced this to my husband, the man that always brings me back to the light and reminds me that God loves me and he has not forsaken us, he agreed. Thus began my descent into the black hole. If my husband had also lost faith then we must truly be forgotten by God.

I think the thing that struck me is your use of the word Idol. Sure I know what that word means.

Idol (n.)

1. a. An image used as an object of worship.

2. b. A false god.

3. One that is adored, often blindly or excessively.

4. Something visible but without substance.

How could I possibly think that hope, dream and expectations for my sons or our lives were  idols? Then I began to examine my heart. Did I spend more than 100% of my time thinking about what I wanted for my children and my husband and our lives and my work and my home and my future? YES! So if I did spend that much time thinking about "wants" how was I really giving God any time at all? Of course I was squeezing Him in when things weren't going "my" way. I mean I was screaming in my heart and my head WHY are you not answering my prayers and my needs for my children?

Could I have even heard His replies when He did answer? I realized I've been consumed, taken over by these idols. Sweet simple words had become my undoing and were keeping me not only from my children and my husband, but away from God. I feel like I've been in a boat paddling and paddling, seeing God standing there with his arms out waiting for me and not moving forward but only in circles. I've kept the seas around me churning with all of my Wants that it burdened down my way to HIM.

I know in my heart that it's going to be easier for me to write this than to live it. Actually I'm fearful as I write and I can hear the little voices telling me I am not able to accomplish this task. I'm always fearful of surgery, but this I will have to undergo without anesthesia. I truly don't know how to begin, so I'll just start with a prayer and a thankful heart.

A: We really are going through the same lessons. I can truly encourage you that the one thing that was a turning point for me was establishing a time every morning to cry out to the Lord in a very private place where I could ask for mercy, forgiveness, grace, strength, help for each day, and to pray for my children.

It was a slow change, some days I couldn’t see any difference in my heart or life at all, much less in anyone around me. As a matter of fact, they all seemed to get worse if I began to pray! Day after day, I would begin by telling the Lord my troubles and asking for help, but when I was quiet and waited on Him, instead of bringing peace and comfort, He would bring to my  conscience a little issue in my own heart, a little white lie, a little compromise, a little idol. I had to deal with whatever one thing He put on my plate that day before I could hear anything else. That’s what He’s looking for in us. He will be found if we really look for Him.

You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. Jer 29:12

All our hearts is morning after morning, day after day. Can you read one chapter of the New Testament and one chapter of Psalms or Proverbs every day? And be courageous and carve that time out to spend alone with Him each day. It’s what He’s waiting for. In Jesus, Mardy

Q: Dear Mardy: Here is an interesting series of events, for you to know how the Lord is using your newsletter.

Last year as I made a goal to lose 50 pounds. An online study called The Lord’s Table was recommended to me. The program emphasizes that until we are completely satisfied in Christ, we will turn to other idols. In the case of an "overeater" they say the idol is food. This should be easy, I thought, I LOVE the Lord and I am completely satisfied in Him.

Well, I have been doing the lessons and eating better and exercising more but I wasn't losing weight. (Hmmm?) I quite honestly just didn't get all the emphasis on idols and repentance related to being satisfied in Christ. I mean, I love the Lord. I spend every day trying to do what I know pleases Him. Yet, I am overweight and I still tend to overeat despite all the bible studying and praying. So, I started asking God to show me if and where I am not completely satisfied in Him. After consistently praying about this almost each day for six months I still had no sense of any area I needed to yield.

Then just today, June 16th, I began to feel this anger welling up inside me. I had just helped my husband and sons leave for a trip. After they cheerfully left me with a messy house, I proceeded to find and clean all the messes. My frustration rose as I found messes I had specifically asked them to help with during the week, (a MIA turtle and mouse and the rotting fish from Monday's fishing trip among other things). I became very aware that I was hurt and thus angry about not just this latest series of events, but the pattern which they represented. In fact these last few preteen years of rudeness and disregard had become a way of life for them. Then when I thought how dear old dad leads them by poor example, all the hurt feelings came tumbling out. I was hurt he has "NO TIME" for date nights, or yard work, home improvement, but he goes on regular adventure trips with "the boys," or training for work. I was hurt that I resorted to buying my own Mother's Day present a week after Mother's Day, while a friend’s kids showered her gifts. I was hurt that we canceled (and never rescheduled) an anniversary trip so we could spend time with his family. Come to think of it we canceled another anniversary event for a family reunion too! The thoughts just kept coming like a flood of all the times my feelings were passed over, and I never said anything. Then to add insult to injury I went upstairs and found more messes and made breakfast for the three siblings who were like their dad and older brothers, fighting my requests for help and refusing to help out. Once I fed (and cleaned up) everyone else's breakfast, I sat down to eat a big stack of "leftover" pancakes.

It was right then and there as I was vacillating between feeling sorry for myself, making excuses for them and resolving to tell them all off when they returned, and I was eating as big a bite of pancake as my mouth could hold, that I saw what I was doing, at least part of it. God clearly showed me that while I was not hungry I was going to stuff down those pancakes and my hurt feelings as fast as possible. So I stopped and went to the Lord's Table online bible study. I was going to use the study to address my hurt feelings. I was disappointed. The Bible study was all about "true repentance" and "turning from idols" and I (once again) didn't get it. I finished the study rather glumly and resolved to journal about this more later.

As I cleaned the bathrooms, (after at least two months of not thinking about or reading your newsletter) I thought out of the blue, "Mardy homeschools lots of kids and she has an imperfect husband, too." I will write her and ask for advice on how to loving respond to my ungrateful family taking me for granted like this. I went online to hit reply from the last newsletter you had written, and saw you had written one for June, so I read it.

Needless to say, the Lord used your newsletter to show me how my expectations and comparisons are idols. I had no idea I was worshipping at those idols all along.

And now if you will excuse me, cleaning up other's messes and finding missing turtles are the least of my problems now.

Right now I have a lot of dying to do.

A: There seems to be a balance in each marriage and each family (and each

relationship) of how much we can and should share with others about the things they do that really bother us. A good general rule for me is that if other issues in the relationship are cleared up and there is open communication with little misunderstanding, it’s generally fine to let someone know how their actions (or non-actions) are affecting me – especially before it really gets to me! However, if there are other, deeper issues going on, those irritations seem like major problems to me. And once they’re major, I tend to become a negative communicator – which only heightens the miscommunication that’s already there.

It takes a lot of courage for me, once I get to that point, to discuss it all with the Lord first in prayer. Courage, because I usually have this little thought in the back of my mind (and heart) just before I take my case to the Righteous Judge that He just might notice something in my own heart that’s related to my complaint, and require some action on my part, a death to something that, standing just outside His presence seems so justifiable to me. At the core of many of my complaints have been idols of how I thought my life, my marriage, my children, my family, my world should be. Then, I have a choice of giving Him those expectations and hopes, and accepting those around me as they are, or clinging to my expectations. That’s a painful step for me because I always initially feel like I’m losing something good (or right or needed). It looks like I become the loser. Faith is then exercised when, not being able to see why I should give something up, I yield it to Him, trusting in the darkness that obedience is better than sacrifice. Once I yield, He then often (not always, but often) enlightens my eyes by His grace to see that I’m really gaining something much better (His approval, presence and power in my life in a new way) that I might never gain without that trial. And once I let go of that issue, it usually matters much less if anyone else changes – I can be at peace. In reality, I’m letting go of something I want very much so that my hands are free enough to cling only to the Savior.

I just stumbled in this process again in two relationships. I experienced that same old resistance first – a period when the full impact of accepting the consequences of someone else’s weakness hit me very hard, and I felt that I couldn’t “stretch” that far. I had to tell the Lord, “Okay – their weaknesses are affecting my world!” And, as I began thinking about the affects of those behaviors on my plans, my ideas, my life – I thought I could almost hear the Lord say, “If you will give these to Me, I will give you My grace in their place.” It seemed like I was being offered an invitation to a higher level of grace and peace with the Lord as a “package deal” with the trial. How odd, I thought, that going higher with the Lord can look so very low in this world But, reading the Scriptures in the quiet moments of the morning, a tiny thought came floating to mind that said, “Maybe – just maybe, this is like a thorn in my flesh that keeps me from getting just comfortable enough here in this world (after all, we are “strangers and aliens” here whose hearts and minds are supposed to be set on things above), and maybe this is a blessing in a big, ugly disguise that God can use to keep my independence-seeking heart a little more dependent on Him.” Just a small thought, but as I began to entertain it, think about it, well, a little more grace to accept something I knew I couldn’t just days before.

Sometimes I will still sense the freedom to speak to someone about those issues, but once I’ve allowed the Lord to shine His flashlight into the darker recesses of my heart and flush out my secret thoughts, I don’t carry as much emotional baggage when I communicate, which in turn, allows others to hear and relate to me in a more positive way. I can’t fake it though! Out of the abundance of my heart, my mouth will eventually speak (Matt 12:34). I must actually practice what Mary did in Luke 10, first sitting at Jesus’ feet and listening to His words.

Q: Dear Mardy, Thank you for the work you put into sending "A Mary Heart". It has continually ministered to me the last few days as I've been dying to self. The Lord has been so gracious and kind in the process that I'm ashamed that it is so difficult to lay everything down for Him.

I am writing to ask you if you'd consider coaching me in my dealing with my daughter. I do want you to know that with the exception of about 8 weeks we have prayed together nightly for her for close to 2 years now and we are in agreement in our training her heart and we are aware of and are praying about sin issues in our own lives.

Our daughter is 9 1/2 years old and in 4th grade. She has been challenging to raise and we are at the end of our rope as to what to do with her. At 14 months old she didn't like the fact that I was on the phone, so she walked up and bit my leg. It has gone down hill from there.

Over the years people have described her as strong willed and very bright. I just thought they were being nice to say she was bright, but in the last few years of home schooling her, I am realizing that she really is.

I have attempted to challenge her more, but she so lacks godly character that she gets frustrated if she doesn't understand the topic before it is even completely out of my mouth. Any assessments I have given her to check her understanding, she has aced. Therefore, I know she is getting the material, just fighting me instead of working hard.

She has such extremes in her emotions and behavior. One minute she is bringing me breakfast in bed, the next she is screaming she hates me, and her brother is jumping out of her way not to get hurt. Her mouth just spits out the most hateful things and she is daily yelling how I don't love her and that I love her brother more than her. Her love tank (as I call it) is more like a black hole. It doesn't appear to matter how much you pour into it, she almost always feels empty.

She has quite a few control issues and has a hard time not being in control. When she is gone, our home is so much more calm and peaceful. Many times she isn't home 5 minutes before she is into it with someone. My doctor once suggested that she may be ADHD, but I don't think so because she can focus on what she wants to or needs to. Her mind and body are just always going and it is hard to stay a step ahead of her.

I could go on and on, but I thought this might give you a start in praying about all this. I think the saddest thing for me is that she has so much going for her and she just wastes it and I don't like where our relationship is going.

Thanks so much for your help.

A: A couple of things come to mind. I once took one of our children who is now walking with the Lord, into the pediatrician at 10 months of age, because I had taken a little toy out of his hand, and he wouldn't stop screaming. I was sure he had an ear infection, he was so upset, inconsolable and grouchy. The pediatrician looked at me over his glasses in a patronizing way, and said, "Your baby is perfectly healthy. Let's just say his ailment is that he hit "two" a little early."

A little early, and he remained emotionally "two" for the next eight to ten years. Another child was also a handful of emotional drain for the first ten to twelve years.

I hope that encourages you a little. I almost couldn't be consoled during some days with them, though!!

My testimony is that I had to allow the Lord to "cut some ties” from my heart to my children, especially to my two neediest ones, before I could help them. (And “cutting ties” is just another way of saying “allowing God to cut anything from my heart that I feel I must have more than just having Jesus – like right behavior or even right heart attitudes in my

children.”)

When the ties were cut, and my focus returned to pleasing the Lord in my deeply private life, and not just “fixing my children,” I began to see them and their needs a little more clearly, and to see God just a little more clearly, and then my reactions began to change (even though theirs remained the same for a while). Eventually, their hearts and behaviors began to change in response to the different atmosphere in our home – meaning, they were pushing all the same buttons they used to, but coming up reaction-less in me.

That reaction can be either negative (anger) or appear positive (attention). But, the positive-looking attention reaction actually (for me) was negative, because it reinforced wrong behavior. I had to "disconnect" from always "reacting to" a child, and ask the Lord to help me to rebuild sensors that would click and react to what Bill and I had decided was right, or to the Holy Spirit's prompting, or to a response that contained the new (and right) viewpoint I was beginning to gain.

There was a bit of invisible "warfare" going on – my child firing all the old bullets and me trying not to fire back with anything (either positive to try to save him, or negative to try to save myself), but to just lovingly stand my ground and administer whatever consequence my husband and I had agreed on ahead of time. And not to be drawn in emotionally to engage. Period.

This is hard to describe to someone, but because you are experiencing the same types of problems, I assume you know what I'm talking about.

All of this is assuming also that your daughter never had some sort of emotional trauma that she’s still reacting to, that she doesn't have a medical issue that's causing her to be out of balance in some way, or that she doesn't have deeper spiritual issues like a need for deliverance by the Lord. I was many times unsure about the spiritual realm, so praying more of a "warfare" prayer helped to assure me that if anything were more spiritually wrong that at least I was going in the right direction. I sometimes felt very blind in dealing with my neediest children, like I was groping in the dark. But, I remembered in that darkness that Jesus said that whatever we bind on earth is bound in heaven (or the heavenly realm) and whatever we loose on earth is loosed in heaven. He also said He gave us authority in Heaven and on earth... So, after I would pray for them, I would also sometimes add, "Satan, I bind you from my son in the name and through the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, and I loose him, through the authority of Jesus' name to have his eyes opened and his heart softened to the Holy Spirit. I also bind any spirit of anger (control, depression, lust, worry, self-hate -- whatever comes to mind) in Jesus' Name from my son, and I loose the Holy Spirit to bring my son to freedom in Jesus Christ."

Now, that may not be a "theologically perfect” prayer! But, it was where my faith was (and is) and it just seemed right for me to be secretly praying that direct warfare kind of intercession behind the scenes, while not reacting to my son during the day.

One warning, though, is not to look for fruit in your daughter (though you desperately desire it!). Just expect fruit in your own life, in your own reactions to her, apart from her actions and reactions. If your responses to her change, then her reactions to your "disconnection" may cause her to push harder to get you back under her control. In other words, things may get worse. The last thing you wanted to hear, right? That’s because when people can force a reaction out of us, it is a way of controlling us, even though it is negative. Once they sense that control is slipping away, they can feel more insecure and unsettled (which is good because they can now sense they are more in need of a Savior). And the Lord can use your more-consistently loving responses, though frightening to them at first, to draw them to desire what you have – peace in Christ Jesus, despite your circumstances. This is Christianity 101, and the Lord often uses our children to teach it to us!

It's also hard to describe what an emotional disconnection (and reconnection to the Lord) is until we’ve truly experienced it. It doesn't look like emotional coldness, and it is not punishing someone by not giving them any attention even when they are hungry and open to it. It's not having an attitude of, "Well, if that's the way you want it, fine." I have been very good at all those behaviors in the past – or very “bad” I should say. But, those aren't disconnections at all because our reactions are still triggered to that person. That is how we respond for survival when we feel those heartstrings that are still attached being tromped on by the one who still controls them.

Disconnection looks somewhat like this. Child sins (has a temper tantrum, hits a sibling, etc.). We silently pray as we head into the storm, "Lord Jesus, I cry out to You to teach me to continue responding only to Your Truth and to You, even though I'm in this situation. HELP!!! Please give me wisdom!'

The worst-case scenario then appears, whatever that is for your child. Perhaps negative thoughts or emotions begin to rise in you – “Not again! I can't believe she did this! Why is my child like this? This is ridiculous (or hopeless, or unbelievable, etc.). Now, THIS is the place (inside our own heart) where the first battle must be won, because of Matthew 12:34 – out of the abundance of OUR heart, OUR mouth will eventually speak. So, getting those inner thoughts right and lined up with truth is vital. And those real inner thoughts usually didn't come spilling out until a child has dragged me into an engagement. Once they spill, they usually begin a cycle of negative reactions that feed on each other, like a spiraling plane headed toward the ground. (I've had MANY crashes by the way, and our children are now all walking with the Lord, so if you've ever done this, take heart – God loves resurrecting the dead, and He gives a greater grace!)

Anyway, here, at this point of the situation is where the battle is won. How you respond here, during her worst behaviors, is the turning point for her, so it has to be the turning place for you. It’s where you want to ask the Lord to target – your own heart in the midst of your greatest disappointment.

Emotional disconnection at this point then looks something like this (but you can't fake it – you really have to allow the Lord to do the cutting and reestablishing with Him only). Negative emotions begin to rise. We realize it is our testing in our own battle of where our emotions will find their pleasure – in pleasing God, pleasing ourselves or pleasing our child. By faith, and often in what seems like darkness, we choose to please God, no matter what.

And then, lo and behold, in the midst of the battle, we might we have an “enlightenment” or a "vision." What’s so bad about that “enlightened vision” is that we suddenly realize that we are raising a brat!! Ouch!  And we suddenly “see” that the self-centered, ungrateful, spoiled-rotten child standing before us is the product of our own parenting. We are raising the kind of child that no one likes to be around – not even his mother on certain days!

The pain of that knowledge is horrible. It was fear of that knowledge and my fear of the pain that truth was bringing that had been compelling me all along to do whatever it took to “fix my child” at all costs. And that is not love! It's reaction. My own personal idols of what kind of children I would raise were being threatened.

So, I had to come to a place where I had to accept that if my child never walked with the Lord, if I really did fail in my parenting, that I would still love and serve the Lord and begin trying to please Him at all costs. It was the second most painful altar I ever built. I had to give my child back to God "as is" and admit to God and to myself that many of my reactions and interactions with my child were based on love of myself and pride and fear and worry, and not on love of God and love of my child.

So, how does it look – I keep trying to get to that. Once we enter the battle zone (any conflict with that child), we cling to truth, speak in love, and softly and gently (but firmly and unmovingly) administer consequences. At 9, our son was not too old for a spanking. We had read the book, What the Bible Says About Child Training, by Richard Fugate, which had a clear, Scriptural explanation of what punishment, discipline and chastening were and when each should be used. (I should add here that the rod administered with even a hidden spirit of anger will tend to drive your child even further away, so it is vital to deal with our own heart issues before administering correction, discipline or reproof.)

One behavior we never tolerated was to allow a child to say hateful or cruel things. This would carry a heavy consequence for them. Since your daughter is already saying she hates you, you may want to choose that behavior to target as your first battle. Again, that battle for me was one which was first waged privately in my own soul before engaging with my child. I had to know what the plan was (also what Bill and I decided was the best consequence), and then prepare my heart (by also crying out to the Lord for grace and help in time of need), and holding my ground, being firm, but loving (as opposed to ending up wishy-washy and emotional as I watched my kids push my boundaries back as the day wore on).

I also stopped overtly praising any good effort. You might consider just acting toward her in a casual way that seems to say you always knew she would make the right choices and come through this time alright, with an attitude of, "Of course, Dear, it's a lovely gesture (to bring me breakfast in bed). Why, thank you." But, I wouldn't overly praise or make a huge deal of small things. I needed to recreate an easy, comfortable environment that made my children believe I really did believe that the Lord would bring them through this time, that they could tell me anything and I would not overreact, and that when they still sinned, I would still love them (even though they still received the consequences of their sin).

And you will be showing her how much you love her all day long by administering every single consequence firmly but lovingly. But, in the meantime, when she is doing nothing wrong, or doing positive things, you want to sort of project an attitude that, “Of course, you do lovely things,” (and you secretly think, IT’S BECAUSE I’M PRAYING FOR YOU AND DYING TO MY FLESH AND TO MY IDOLS AND THIS IS THE MOST PAINFUL THING I’VE EVER DONE!). But, for me, it was not the right time of life to tell my child all that. I had to just go on and keep my attention focused on the next thing we were supposed to do that day, and not focus so directly on his behavior (looking for either failure or change).

I also made sure my outside distractions were to the barest minimum (no outside ministry) and that my children’s were nil until they were self-governing and earned the right to them. Outside-the-home activities and ministries are not a right, but a privilege for the civilized. We took one of our children out of Band for six months when he was about 10 or 11 because he was chatting so much with others that he was not listening to the director. He had just earned that freedom to join Band a year or two before, but was stumbling with that much freedom, and had not responded to several verbal warnings. He then had to bear the consequences of his own behavior. It was one of the best decisions we made for him because it was like the "last stand" of our saying, “We really still mean what we say and this is your consequence for your own behavior and you can't start trying to push boundaries again.” It was something the Band director commended us for the following year when he saw the changed behavior upon our son’s return. But, it was probably as painful for me to see him have to suffer those consequences week after week as it was for him to suffer them. It was right, though, and we administered those consequences in a spirit of love and not anger, which helped him to receive them.

We also halted academics any time attitudes or behavior plunged, and made one of their punishments physical work (weeding, cleaning the bathrooms and toilets, sweeping sidewalks, wiping down baseboards, folding clothes,

etc.) Physical, unsophisticated, humbling work. Again, this should only be administered in a loving attitude. If it is done with any wrong attitudes on our part, it comes across as being a wicked stepmother! But, if it's done in love, we rightly see our children’s needs and can administer their medicine because we know deep down it's good for them (even though they don't like how it tastes, and we don't like giving them anything that tastes that bad). But, the world will be much more cruel to them in a few short years, and we give them consequences because we want them to understand that that is what life is about – sowing and reaping.

We allow them to reap because we love them. Any complaint, including a silent one with rolled eyes or huffs, earns a new chore. I even walked through the house one day with a box of index cards and a pencil writing down every single job, small, medium or large, that I could think of, so I wouldn’t have to “think on my feet” when in the midst of a confrontation.

I could just calmly pull a pre-thought chore from the chores box if needed.

That's how we did it, and as long as we held our ground in love, our children eventually learned that the only way to get out of the consequences was to change the behavior. And, you know, being a wise mommy, that your children’s behavior can't really change without a heart change, and that heart change can only come from Jesus. So, you pray behind the scenes, and you allow the Lord to change your own heart so you can be an example to her, and you remain consistent and you wait. And you wait and you wait and you wait, like the patient farmer of James 5 who waits for the precious produce of the soil, being patient about it. You just wait until she comes to you asking for help with her heart and behavior. And you never know when that time will be.

But, you don't chase her down with that message or with help. You don’t want to give a lot of attention to her plight until she is ready for help – always having a sort of compassionate attitude about you that says, "Oh, you're cleaning the kitchen floor again on your hands and knees because of your last sin? I really am sorry for you, but I love you, and I believe you'll eventually do what is right, and I'm always here if you want to chat about it (AFTER your current chore is completed properly, that is), and I will always be here because I love you." You don’t have to say those words – they are read in your spirit by those who live with you.

In other words, I learned to stop casting my pearls before swine. Not the same, I know, but the idea being that you don't cast those beautiful gems of truth you so very much want to share in front of those who are still wallowing in the mud of their own rebellion. They will sniff and snort at them and return to their good-feeling mud. You have to wait until the pig is hungry and thirsty and very tired of mud and wants to come to you to be fed. That is also like the prodigal son. The father didn’t chase him – he waited for him to come to his senses and return.

So, we don't chase our children with spiritual food they are not hungry for. We try to create an appetite in them for it, through prayer and by our own example, and we wait until they have an appetite for it (an appetite we are hopefully creating by our own sweet, delicious, aroma-filled relationship with a real God who gives us incredible, life-changing peace in the midst of all the mud that's being hurled on us by those still wallowing in the pen).

Reply: Wow. Your words were like balm on my heart after a horrible day with my daughter and lots of failure on my part. What you said is just what I have been learning and struggling to implement. As I put on the armor of God, the flaming arrows my daughter throws at me just fall off to the ground. However, this only lasts a few days (or hours) and they are back piercing my heart again.

One thing that I struggle with is that it feels unloving not to praise her for every good thing she does. I feel like we are on her all the time for the foolish choices she makes that I have to praise her to even things out. I was just praying about stepping down from co-leading a women's ministry, so your input was quite timely!! Will you please pray for us as God turns this ship around? Thank you!!

A: You'll have to gauge how much praise you believe is right, but just make sure your praise has the warm and loving, but still casual attitude of, "Of course you followed through on that chore. I always knew you would," and not a saccharine-like, "WOW! You put that one pan in the cabinet exactly where I asked you to!" She will resent the latter, and it will NEVER be enough praise because she will sense that it tastes hollow, and that she didn’t really deserve it. Just make sure it's real and not overdone and even though you are jumping up and down on the inside – if she SEES you jumping up and down for the small things, she may not develop much inspiration to grow.

Q: Mardy, I just wanted to send you a quick note. I just read the June 2004 article. I am very touched and encouraged and even challenged. :) The Lord has been trying to deal with me about being a better VISIBLE example to my children. I think it just took another person to put some of my very thoughts into words. Thank you so much for being so transparent and allowing God to use you to disciple not only your children but others as well (me). God bless you. I will pray for you and I hope you will utter a prayer for me as dying out to the things I *like* to do is very hard.

Q: Hi Mardy, Today I received a phone call from a friend. She wanted to come by and see me; she was in tears on the phone. I was home with only my two little ones, and invited her to stop by. I immediately prayed for the Lord to give me "listening" ears and His words to be put in my mouth when I spoke. As I listened to her describe the falling out she had with her spouse, I knew exactly where she was coming from. She felt that all the growth she had achieved in the past two years fell apart as she "blew it" with her husband and told him everything she thought about him, holding nothing back.

How exciting to share with her (and I am working on how to share about my victories without sharing the details of my family’s sins) that I understood and had done the same things. I encouraged her to give her right to her children over to the Lord. I shared that God wants good for our children much more than we do and He is able to work through their circumstances (even her husband's unfair treatment towards them) to reach their hearts. I encouraged her to examine her motives and to go to the Lord asking for His mercy and grace to help her humble herself and go apologize to her husband for the things she said and how she over-reacted to him. We prayed together and I told her she had not failed only stumbled and that God was waiting to pick her up and lead her on in her journey.

Wow! How exciting. I was able to see so much of myself in that situation. Thank you for turning me toward our Savior and gently pushing me in the direction of humility and forgiveness. I still have far to go and weak areas myself, but the sweet taste of victory keeps me craving more.

Now I would ask you to pray with me that after this wonderful experience that I would not fall into temptation or the pit of despair. I have found that usually happens to me following some big victory. I do praise the Lord and give him the glory – for it was He who was working through me and not anything that I did on my own.

I end with that testimony because this mom is saying perfectly the things I want to say. I will only add a request to say a prayer for the moms who’ve shared today, and an encouragement to each one on this list to begin your day alone with the Lord as Mary did, sitting at His feet and listening to His words…

Until the October Newsletter (which I hope to have out before November!!).

Love in Christ Jesus, Mardy

Feel free to forward this newsletter to anyone you think may be encouraged or blessed!

A "Mary" Heart is sent September to May and is designed to encourage busy moms to spend time with Jesus each day.

A "Mary" Heart is designed to encourage Christian moms, whose days are packed full with good works and expectations and demands, to take time out each day to “sit at Jesus’ feet” as Mary did in Luke 10. Mary let pressing duties (as well as a relative with strong expectations on her, and hungry, important dinner guests) wait in order to focus on Jesus. Jesus praised her, saying she had chosen “the better part” and that it would not be taken away from her. A "Mary" heart doeth our families, and us, good like a medicine.

You may e-mail me at amaryheart@thefreemans.org.

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